Using the Enneagram in Working with Couples for Awakening
Lissa Friedman Ph.D.
(first published in Enneagram Monthly 5/04)
The purpose of this article is to present how the Enneagram can be
used with couples in workshops and the therapeutic relationship to
facilitate awakening. The article explores the initial process of
attraction; how fixated behavior gets triggered; a brief description
of how each fixation relates in relationship; and examples of couples
who have attended workshops or private sessions. The conclusion explains
how fixation can be released through the process of couples work.
Using the Enneagram in working with couples adds a different dimension
than other modalities of couples therapy or coaching, particularly
if the Enneagram is used for awakening. With awakening as the focus,
the aim of the therapeutic relationship is freedom from fixated perception;
therefore behavior. The dynamics of the relationship are excellent
fodder for recognizing patterns of ego identity and releasing them.
What is Awakening?
When the fixated process rules us, it is like living in a dream,
with distortions of reality, reactive emotions, obsessive thoughts,
conditional love, and a feeling of being truly separate from others.
When the fixation is released, there is a sense of waking from a dream;
everything becomes clear; and the illusions dissolve.
In this context awakening is the discovery of the One Loving Stillness
that is your true nature, which is always present. This nature is
distorted by identification with the ego or fixated perceptions and
behaviors. The One Loving Stillness manifests as different essences
or qualities of awakening. When the fixation relaxes the quality of
essence is revealed; as this deepens the One Loving Stillness is discovered.
This allows us to be fully human, and yet free of suffering in life,
whether in couples, any relationships, or individually.
Attraction prior to Awakening
When two people meet and are attracted to each other, the attraction
either supports what they have always longed for, or feeds the patterns
that have caused the most suffering. In either case the initial attraction
is to a large extent ego based. There may also be a connection that
goes beyond ego that will become apparent after the ego or fixation
has fallen away.
In the first case the attraction supports aspects of the fixation
that make you feel good about yourself. Maybe, you have never really
felt loved for how you see yourself, or you feel that you haven’t
been heard and understood accurately. This new person seems to love
you, see you, and/or hear you, in a way that confirms your best self-image.
This feels so good you try to do the same for the other person. This
leads quickly to the feeling of falling in love.
The second scenario is the other side of the same coin, the Ego coin.
In this case, the other person, much like people in your past, is
not giving you what you believe you need. You may have longed to feel
truly loved and heard, and this person seems to have the potential
to fulfill this need. You know they have the capacity; they just have
to find it in themselves, or realize that you are worth the effort,
or both. So, all you have to do is be desirable enough to win their
love and attention. You may even have to help them in some way to
become a better person, so that they can access their potential.
In the first dynamic after a committed partnership has been formed
the “negative” traits show up. During the honeymoon period
we usually move between our core fixation and the relaxed fixation.
Once life resumes its ordinary patterns, the tensions of life bring
out the stressed fixations. For most of the fixations the stressed
point is so different than home base we can seem like different people.
Usually the stressed point in one person brings out the stressed point
in the other.
For instance: your partner disappoints you and you become critical,
which makes them withdraw; you both become disillusioned or you become
distracted by life, and your partner becomes frightened; you feel
criticized and your partner loses trust.
There are really only a few dynamics with numerous stories lines.
The themes of ego suffering are: avoidance and denial; feeling criticized,
unloved, abandoned; lack of trust, trapped; and needing to control
or dominate. The reactions to these themes are: anger, self-loathing,
and fear.
In the second situation two people meet and briefly display the home
base or the relaxed fixation, but quickly move into their stressed
point. That first glimpse of what they were looking for is very attractive.
When the desired trait disappears the attraction becomes even stronger.
Suddenly, there arises the hope and belief that if you get this person
to give you what you have always longed for, you will finally have
fixed your childhood wound. Trying to get what you want from the other
becomes the focus. This pattern brings up the same suffering as the
first scenario. The suffering ego themes and the reactions to these
themes are the same as above.
Of course there is the third possibility of doing some of each, but
ultimately we wind up in the same place, face to face with the fixated
ego structure. Some couples have a longer honeymoon period than others.
If there is enough avoidance and denial or lack of self awareness,
couples can go on for years without feeling dissatisfied; settling
for and coping with the dynamics of the fixated egos bouncing off
each other.
There are therapies that focus on giving your partner what they most
want, and learning to ask for what you need. This is a way of placating
both fixated egos. When these methods work they keep both people cycling
between the home base fixation and the relaxed fixation for longer
periods of time. At best they bring to a minimum the movement to the
stressed point. It is an attempt to heal the childhood wound, or fill
the internal hole, with something from outside of you. It supports
two illusions: one, that there is a real wound or hole; the other,
that something someone else has will fix the wound.
When the Enneagram is used for liberation or awakening it is understood
that the themes of suffering are based in the distorted perceptions
of the ego fixation. The only one that feels unloved, criticized,
distrustful, etc. is the fixation. When the fixation is dissolved
or released the suffering that was caused by fixated identity disappears.
The focus of the work using the Enneagram is to release the illusion
of fixated identity.
In working with couples, each person does their own work of self
exploration and changing patterns. The couple relationship is like
a hot house for the fixated behavior, it brings out the best and the
worst, providing many opportunities for freedom and true love.
Examples
These examples come from Enneagram workshops for couples, and private
sessions. All the couples mentioned had done at least Part 1 and Part
2 of the Enneagram series with me.
The Six/Seven couple
Don was a 41 year old man with the social Seven pattern, and Pat
was a 39 year old woman with the social Six pattern. Since they were
both social subtypes this area of their relationship went smoothly;
they both enjoyed going to parties, having friends over, and joining
various social functions at church. When they met they had just gotten
out of marriages that were unsatisfying. They both seemed to have
the qualities that were missing in their other relationships.
Pat as a Six was independent and yet loyal, this gave Don a feeling
of freedom, which is very appealing to the Seven pattern. Don as a
Seven had a strong sense of idealism and yet was light and fun loving,
which gave Pat a feeling of safety and excitement - both important
qualities for the Six fixation. The attraction was very strong from
the start, and they enjoyed exploring new exciting things together.
The glitch came when there would be a disagreement, or when Pat did
something that got Don angry. Don would get critical and angry, moving
to the One pattern; and want to escape, more of the Seven pattern.
This would trigger Pat’s distrust and fear, which in turn would
trigger more of Don’s need for escape. At first Pat would run
after Don needing to process and get closure immediately. When she
noticed this would make Don move further away, she began to back off.
Pat’s work in undoing her fear pattern was to stay with her
emotions, letting go of the stories that came with the feelings. She
had to discover that she would be fine by herself, even if Don didn’t
come back. Pat had to learn to trust that her support came from the
Essence, and that it was always present. When the Six pattern relaxes
the fear and distrust dissolve, and Pat would move to the Nine point
and feel comfortable.
Don’s work was to not leave, to stay in the same room, and
be present with his and Pat’s emotions. The Seven pattern tries
to avoid pain, and is afraid of confrontation. They tend to run away
when life gets tough. If Don could learn to stay and express his feelings
to Pat he would have to face emotions that he had been avoiding. He
might feel frightened and uncomfortable, but he would learn that he
could handle whatever life presented. The Seven pattern would relax
and he would move to the Five point, feeling at peace and quiet inside.
Another Six/Seven couple
Helen was a 23 year old woman with the sexual Six pattern, and Steve
was a 27 year old man with the sexual Seven pattern. When they first
met they were both in relationships that weren’t working for
them. Helen was with a man that was so available that he felt needy
to her, which brought up a lot of fear. Steve’s girlfriend had
gotten fed up with his cheating and had become critical and not much
fun. Since Helen and Steve both had sexual subtypes they gave each
other a lot of attention. Helen interpreted Steve’s attention
as being available, and Steve interpreted Helen’s attention
as being accepting. The story of availability and acceptance worked
until Steve started being with other women. Then Helen became distrustful,
critical, and demanding and Steve began escaping. This dynamic was
very exciting to both of them, and they moved in together, getting
a short lease.
They began the workshop with Steve expressing that their main problem
was that Helen didn’t believe that they were actually in a relationship.
She explained that she couldn’t because he was leaving in 4
months and still had contact with his old girlfriends. Steve defended
himself by trying to explain that he was there now. Since no one knows
what the future will hold, how could he know what would happen when
their lease was up. He said that he didn’t have any plan for
the future.
It was pointed out by other participants that his plan was to keep
the future open, so that he could take advantage of other possibilities.
Steve had a hard time seeing this. He finally got it when he realized
that he finished every sentence relating to staying in the relationship
with, “I don’t know… I can’t see that far…
or … no one knows.” It is difficult for the Seven pattern
to see that by keeping the present open they are not truly being present.
It is a distortion of being in the moment, or being here now. They
always have an escape hatch, out of the present if it should get uncomfortable.
When we are fully present there is no future; when it happens, it
becomes the present. He was told to break the pattern he had to make
a commitment to something and stay with it, even if it got uncomfortable:
to stay with whatever emotions surfaced, without believing the thoughts
that came along.
Helen realized that she had picked Steve because of the challenge
of getting him to pick her and stay. He always had other girlfriends
that he could fall back on if his present relationship wasn’t
working. Helen had the pattern of being with unavailable men. This
would always bring up the trust issues with which the Six fixation
suffers. She unconsciously thought that if Steve picked her she would
heal the wound that led her to not trust.
Helen was told to do things that would get her out of her mind and
into her body; yoga, riding her bike, or just putting her attention
in her body. Helen had the habit of trying to figure out the future
- in this case what Steve was going to do in the future. She also
was trying to become the kind of woman Steve would pick to commit
to.
There are two problems with this process of becoming what someone
wants when it works: the first is that the person is not staying with
you; they are staying with the image you created. The second is that
even if the person stays, it still won’t relieve the fear and
distrust, which can only happen with the release of the ego identity.
More often trying to become what someone else wants doesn’t
make them stay. When they leave it supports the feeling of not being
wanted and not trusting.
The One/Four couple
Cindy had the self preservation One pattern and Dan had the sexual
Four pattern. When they began their relationship 15 years ago, they
had a brief time when their fixations had fallen away and they got
to see each other’s essence. This wondrous time ended abruptly
when old habits brought their fixated behaviors back. Cindy felt flawed
and criticized by Dan, and would withdraw. When Cindy withdrew Dan
felt abandoned and would get depressed and sometimes angry. They had
done a lot of work on themselves and the patterns had become subtler.
In the past Cindy ran after Dan sobbing, needing him to love and accept
her. Dan having felt betrayed and abandoned would get so deep in his
hole of darkness that it could take days for him to come out.
Cindy had come to be able to recognize when Dan was indulging the
story of the Four fixation and was able to stop herself from trying
to fix him. Dan learned to see when Cindy was being critical and not
take it personally. Their patterns fed on each other when they would
move to their stressed points.
The One moves to Four under stress; Cindy would become sad and depressed.
Under stress the Four moves to Two, Dan would try to be more helpful.
So, sometimes the lower functioning dynamics of dependence felt reassuring
to Cindy and Dan. This created some reluctance to let go of the patterns
of fixation.
During the workshop the pattern surfaced. When we took a break for
lunch Dan assumed he and Cindy would go off by themselves and have
some intimate time together. On the other hand Cindy thought she would
have lunch with the group and meet some of the other people. Dan felt
abandoned, and walked off pouting, and Cindy felt responsible. The
urge to fix him was so strong that she did leave the group to follow
Dan and try to pull him out of his mood.
They openly described what happened to the group. They got the feedback
to stay with their emotions, and let go of the stories. Cindy was
told to feel the emotion under the urge to fix, and not try to fix
Dan when this dynamic happened. Dan was told to be with his emotions,
but to let go of the old story of abandonment. They both seemed to
understand. If they can do this, their core fixation will fall away
and they will move to the relaxed points.
For Cindy the One fixation would relax, and she would move to a higher
functioning Seven and find enjoyment. For Dan the pattern of the Four
would dissolve and he would move to the One point, becoming clear
minded.
Another One/Four couple
For this couple the man had the One pattern and the woman had the
Four pattern. John was a 50 year man with the social One pattern,
and Joan was a 45 year old woman with the sexual Four pattern. When
they first met they satisfied their ego needs well. John felt loved
and accepted, and Joan finally found a man who would make a commitment.
Soon the dynamics of the fixations took over. John was critical and
complained about little imperfections, and Joan took his criticism
as rejections of her. She would become sad and depressed, and John
would take her sadness as judgment. This would make him feel stressed
and he would move to the Four fixation, becoming depressed and withdrawn.
Joan would then feel even more stressed and try to do things to please
John. When she couldn’t get through to him she would withdraw
into feelings of being unlovable, and thoughts of never getting her
needs met. The Four moves to Two under stress.
Being different subtypes caused a lack of understanding. John being
social loved to party, he would invite people over for dinner several
times a week. While Joan being a sexual subtype was always looking
for a deep one on one connection with John. He would be disappointed
when Joan would rather spend the weekend alone with him, rather than
including their friends. On the other hand Joan felt unloved when
John preferred inviting people over to being alone with her. This
is a common problem with couples that have the social and sexual subtypes.
In the workshop John expressed that he wasn’t sure if he wanted
to stay in the marriage. He couldn’t explain why except that
it no longer met his ideal. Through processing his feelings and reactions
he was able to see that he had these thoughts and feelings when he
was under stress and was in the Four point. He was told to go to Joan
and talk about his feelings rather than withdrawing.
When the One pattern moves to Four there is nearly always a distortion
of reality with an emotional reaction. By getting a reality check
sometimes the Four pattern releases and they can move back to the
One, home base fixation. From here if they can let go of thinking
they are right they can move to Seven and begin to enjoy life.
Joan was told to go deeply into the emotions of abandonment and sadness,
and to let go to the stories that came with them. If she could stay
with the emotions they would dissolve, the Four fixation would be
released, and she would move to the One point. From the One point
her mind would be clear and she would be able to see the dynamics
of her relationship without the distortion of emotion.
The Two/Nine couple
Sara was a 55-year-old woman with the sexual Two fixation, her husband
Tom was a 60-year- old man with the social Nine fixation. When they
met they fell in love quickly. She was the first person who ever totally
accepted him, loved to listen to him talk, and genuinely liked him.
He was the first person who saw her wonderful qualities, was romantic,
and made her feel loved and special.
All this changed when they began having children. Sara stayed home
raising 5 children and Tom worked a lot to support his growing family.
When he came home from work he wanted to be left alone, but she needed
adult conversation and attention. Sara began to criticize Tom and
demand more attention. This would make Tom withdraw even more. Up
until this point the social and sexual subtypes were not a problem.
Now that Sara was hungry for intimacy, John’s alternating between
avoiding her and having a social life with his buddies caused even
more conflict.
The pattern of the Two fixation is to give up their needs for others
and then get angry when their needs are not getting met. Sara took
care of the children; then expected Tom to take care of her emotionally.
The Two fixation moves to the Eight point under stress. When Sara’s
needs were not met she would become enraged and attacking.
The Nine fixation avoids conflict at all costs. They also give up
their needs for others. However they are not looking to be loved like
the Two, instead, they just want to be left alone. The Nine fixation
moves to Six under stress and becomes frightened. When Sara became
enraged Tom would withdraw and become scared. His withdrawal would
make Sara more enraged and trigger feelings of never getting her needs
met.
When they began to work with the Enneagram system they started to
learn how to release these patterns. Sara understood that she should
stop looking at Tom’s behavior and trying to change him. Instead
she began to look at herself, what she was feeling, and the emotions
that were getting triggered. When she wanted to yell at him, or become
demanding, she was told to back off, and stay with her emotions.
Both the Two and the Eight believe that they are right, and that
something is wrong that they have to fix. Sara had to learn to let
go of believing that she was right. This is the ego pride of the Two.
They think they know what others need and believe that they are the
only ones that can help them.
If Sara can learn to look inward instead of outward; to explore her
emotions instead of fixing Tom’s behaviors; and to own her own
needs and express them directly, it is possible for the Two fixation
to be released.
When the Two fixation is released they move to a high functioning
Four. The Four is introspective and full of heart - from here true
compassion without ego pride can grow.
Tom was told not to back down and withdraw. He had the tasks of saying
no when he didn’t want to do something; allowing himself to
change his mind; and expressing his own needs. When the Nine fixation
relaxes it moves to Three. In this higher functioning Three point
they have the energy to accomplish what is important to them. The
three can be loving and know their intrinsic self worth.
The Two/Five Couple
Alice was a 29 year old woman with the sexual Two fixation, and Alan
was a 31 year old man with the sexual Five fixation. When they first
came for counseling they were near divorce. Their arguments had gotten
so bad that they had become violent with each other.
When Alice and Allan first met they were attracted to their differences.
Allan was withdrawn, creative, intellectual, and anti-society. Alice
was preppy and mainstream. They both saw in each other what they didn’t
have and hoped that the other could fulfill what was missing in them.
At the beginning of their relationship they got along well.
Allan really listened to Alice, and made her feel attractive and
special. Alice saw Allan’s potential and was helping him attain
his goals. She loved his creativity, his unusual appearance, and perspectives
on life.
After some time of living together the qualities that were originally
attractive were now irritating. Allan’s unique style now seemed
too withdrawn and unsocial to Alice. Alice’s friendly mainstream
manner felt overwhelming and intrusive to Allan. Alice began to try
to make Allan over into a more acceptable form - telling him what
to say, how to act, and what to wear. She would treat Allan the way
she wanted to be treated - giving him gifts, planning romantic events,
being affectionate, and paying a lot of attention to him. These are
all patterns of the Two fixation.
Allan having the Five fixation would just withdraw instead of letting
Alice know how much her behavior was bothering him. His withdrawal
would make Alice feel unloved, and she would get angry and attacking.
At times Allan would argue back and then leave, sometimes for days.
When Allan returned Alice would try to win back his love by doing
more nice things for him, and the cycle would repeat itself.
When they first came in for therapy their patterns had reached a
peak, they had both been physically and emotionally abusive with each
other. After learning about the Enneagram and recognizing their patterns,
they understood what to do to change.
Alice began working on backing off, and allowing Allan to be the
way that felt best to him. Allan started learning how to initiate
more within the relationship and in his life in general. Alice found
that by turning her attention inward and being self reflective rather
than other oriented, she felt more at peace. At first she felt anxious,
not knowing how to be, but soon she began to enjoy her time with herself.
Allan felt more secure and powerful when he was more assertive.
If they continue their work the Two fixation will dissolve for Alice
and she will find herself feeling more emotional and introspective.
If she continues to relax she will find clarity of mind, and a sense
of serenity. For Allan, his continued dissolving of the Five fixation
will bring him into a place of strength and self confidence, which
will lead to a warm giving nature.
How Fixations Move from Stressed to Relaxed Points
There can be moments of Awakening at any level of functioning, even
at the lowest levels. Based on my experience, research, and studies,
the process of awakening seems to have a direction. There seems to
be a gradual process and then a moment or moments of spontaneous Awakening.
When we are under stress we move from our home base or primary fixation
to another fixation. Since stress causes a contraction, which causes
our perception to be even more distorted, we move to a lower level
of functioning in the stressed fixation. We carry with us the flavor
of the home base fixation while taking on some of the traits of the
stressed fixation. However, we are never quite as fully that fixation
as those who have it as their home base.
When we relax out of the patterning of the primary fixation - which
can only happen when we are not feeling stress - we move to yet another
fixation. Since we have relaxed some of our fixated behaviors, we
move to a higher functioning level of the relaxed fixation. Again,
we keep some of the qualities of our primary fixation while taking
on some of the characteristics of the relaxed fixation. We are never
quite like those who have that fixation as their home base. The vertical
and lateral movement of the fixation is illustrated in Chart 1. The
highlighted characteristics of the fixations indicate the ladder like
movement that can occur in the awakening process.
Chart
of Movement
(Essence, the expression of liberation, is in the parenthesis)
Movement of the
One Fixation |
| |
Stressed |
Home Base |
Relaxed |
Relaxed |
| |
Four (radiance) |
One (Clarity) |
Seven (Bliss) |
Five (peace) |
| Liberated |
No separation |
Purity |
Flowing |
Omniscient |
| Actualized |
Self aware |
Discerning |
Present |
Competent |
| Average |
Self centered |
Preaching |
Distracted |
Deficient |
| Low |
Self destructive |
Punitive |
Manic depressive |
Schizoid |
Movement
of the Two Fixation |
| |
Stressed |
Home Base |
relaxed |
Relaxed |
| |
Eight (power) |
Two (kindness) |
Four (radiance) |
One (clarity) |
| Liberated |
Shakti |
Grace |
No separation |
Purity |
| Actualized |
Surrendered hero |
Selfless giving |
Self aware |
Discerning |
| Average |
Confrontational |
Prideful giving |
Self centered |
Preaching |
| Low |
Violent |
Victim |
Self destructive |
Punitive |
Movement
of the Three Fixation |
| |
Stressed |
Home Base |
Relaxed |
Relaxed |
| |
Nine (right action) |
Three (love) |
Six (wisdom) |
Nine (right action) |
| Liberated |
Being |
No-Doer |
Empty mind |
Being |
| Actualized |
Peaceful |
Authentic |
Cooperative |
Peaceful |
| Average |
Avoiding |
Over achiever |
Confused |
Avoiding |
| Low |
Dissociated |
Revengeful |
Paranoid |
Dissociated |
Movement
of the Four Fixation |
| |
Stressed |
Home Base |
Relaxed |
Relaxed |
| |
Two (kindness) |
Four (radiance) |
One (clarity) |
Seven (bliss) |
| Liberated |
Grace |
No separation |
Purity |
Flowing |
| Actualized |
Selfless giving |
Self aware |
Discering |
Present |
| Average |
Prideful giving |
Self centered |
Preaching |
Distracted |
| Low |
Victim |
Self destructive |
Punitive |
Manic depressive |
Movement
of the Five Fixation |
| |
Stressed |
Home Base |
Relaxed |
Relaxed |
| |
Seven (bliss) |
Five (peace) |
Eight (power) |
Two (kindness) |
| Liberated |
Flowing |
Omniscient |
Shakti |
Grace |
| Actualized |
Present |
Competent |
Surrendered hero |
Selfless giving |
| Average |
Distracted |
Deficient |
Confrontational |
Prideful giving |
| Low |
Manic-depressive |
Schizoid |
Violent |
Victim |
Movement
of the Six Fixation |
| |
Stressed |
Home Base |
Relaxed |
Relaxed |
| |
Three (love) |
Six (wisdom) |
Nine (right action) |
Three (love) |
| Liberated |
No Doer |
Empty mind |
Being |
No Doer |
| Actualized |
Authentic |
Cooperative |
Right action |
Authentic |
| Average |
Deceitful |
Defensive |
Avoiding |
Deceitful |
| Low |
Revengeful |
Paranoid |
Dissociative |
Revengeful |
Movement
of the Seven Fixation |
| |
Stressed |
Home Base |
Relaxed |
Relaxed |
| |
One (clarity) |
Seven (bliss) |
Five (peace) |
Eight (power) |
| Liberated |
Purity |
Flowing |
Omniscient |
Shakti |
| Actualized |
Discerning |
Present |
Competent |
Surrendered hero |
| Average |
Preaching |
Distracted |
Deficient |
Confrontive |
| Low |
Punitive |
Manic depressive |
Schizoid |
Violent |
Movement
of the Eight Fixation |
| |
Stressed |
Home Base |
Relaxed |
Relaxed |
| |
Five (peace) |
Eight (power) |
Two (kindness) |
Four (radiance) |
| Liberated |
Omniscient |
Shakti |
Grace |
No separation |
| Actualized |
Competent |
Surrendered hero |
Selfless giving |
Self aware |
| Average |
Deficient |
Confrontive |
Prideful giving |
Self centered |
| Low |
Schizoid |
Violent |
Victim |
Self destrcutive |
Movement
of the Nine Fixation |
| |
Stressed |
Home Base |
Relaxed |
Relaxed |
| |
Six (wisdom) |
Nine (right action) |
Three (love) |
Six (wisdom) |
| Liberated |
Empty mind |
Being |
No-Doer |
Empty mind |
| Actualized |
Cooperative |
Right action |
Authentic |
Cooperative |
| Average |
Defensive |
Avoiding |
Over achieving |
Defensive |
| Low |
Paranoid |
Dissociative |
Revengeful |
Paranoid |
Chart 1
Comments
Liberation occurs through relaxing out of the home base fixation
into the relaxed fixation and then continuing to relax. In the relaxed
state and in the stressed state the qualities of the home base fixation
remain. In the relaxed state there is less and less identification
with these qualities. It is important to note that it is more than
useless to try to produce any of the liberated qualities. These qualities
as well as the self actualized characteristics can not be
intentionally produced. They develop naturally by putting attention
in the present moment and letting go of the tendencies of the fixation.
By releasing fixation characteristics, liked and disliked, higher
qualities are allowed to emerge, until finally liberation is reached.
If liberation is imitated the system becomes stressed
and there is a sinking to a lower level of functioning.
Patterns of relationship for each fixation
One – The One fixation feels flawed, looks
for flaws in their partner, and looks for ways their partner is judging
them. Their ideal relationship would be with someone who sees them
as perfect and whom they see as perfect, according to their specific
ideas of perfection. The illusion is that by attaining this ideal,
if it were possible, would bring freedom. Releasing the underlying
belief of being flawed and therefore needing to be right to compensate,
dissolves the fixation, which really brings freedom.
Two – The Two fixation believes that they
will never get their needs met because they are unworthy of being
loved. They try to be kind and helpful to manipulate others to fulfill
their unspoken desires. In relationship they try to do more nice things
than their partner to be deserving of getting their needs met. When
their partner fails to meet their needs they feel angry. They think
they want to be with someone who would read their mind and do what
they want. This is not possible and would only perpetuate the ego
identity. Freedom from fixation comes from turning the attention inward,
finding that place of feeling unlovable, and staying with the emotion
- while letting go of the past story lines,
Three – The Three fixation must be productive
and successful in order to be worth loving. In relationship they stay
active, efficient, maintaining the image of being successful. Their
ideal relationship would be with someone else who was successful so
that they could both create the image of prestige. They don’t
like to feel emotions and are not empathic toward others who are emotional.
Often some trauma that forces them to be emotional begins the breaking
of this pattern. To release the fixation they need to slow down and
learn to feel their emotions.
Four – The Four fixation feels unlovable and
believes in a tragic past that made them unworthy of being loved.
In relationship they look for signs of not being loved and need constant
reinforcement that they are loved. They are sad and dramatic. Their
ideal partner would shower them with affection, attention, and presents.
However no one can ever really convince them that they are loved.
They must find this belief of not being worthy of being loved, and
let go of the tragic story. They have to be willing to see that they
enjoy the drama of their emotions and stop indulging them. This will
release the Four pattern.
Five – The Five fixation believes that they
are too fragile and sensitive for this world. They live in a fantasy
world to avoid reality. In relationship they tend to get overwhelmed
by the needs of others - feeling that they don’t have enough
for themselves; any less someone else. They often withdraw into their
fantasy world, or leave the situation when things feel too much. Their
ideal partner would let them withdraw and be there when they are ready
to come back. This is unrealistic and would not bring about freedom
from fixation anyway. To release this pattern they have to be willing
to let go of their attachment to their mental process, and meet reality.
Six – The Six fixation believes that they
cannot trust themselves or anyone else. To compensate for this belief
they try to figure everything out with their minds. In relationship
they are hyper-vigilant, always watching for a reason not to trust.
Their ideal relationship would make them feel safe always. Trust can’t
come from the outside, so no one can make a person with the Six pattern
feel safe enough to trust them. To let go of this belief the Six fixation
must learn to get out of their heads and into their bodies and their
emotions. When they feel fear, if they can let go of the story of
fear and just feel the emotion their attention will be fully present.
The fear will dissolve, and a deep trust in What Is will remain.
Seven – The Seven fixation believes that there
is not enough for them, and that there is no Divine plan. To compensate
they are constantly making plans, and trying to get what they need
before they miss out. In relationship they have trouble making a commitment
and staying present. They are constantly thinking about how it would
be better with someone else, or having thoughts about what to do next
to keep things exciting. They have a strong sense of idealism that
is difficult to satisfy in relationship. Their ideal partner would
let them wander freely, being with other people, and exploring exciting
adventures, and eventually coming back to them. To release the fixation
they have to be willing to make a commitment; learn to get out of
their minds, so they can be present without thoughts, hopes, and plans
for the future.
Eight – The Eight fixation believes that they
have done something terrible. Instead of facing the pain of this belief,
they turn it outward looking for someone else to blame. In relationship
they are volatile, demanding, generous, and intense. They require
loyalty and respect, of their partner, but not of themselves. If they
feel betrayed they can be violent. Their ideal partner would look
up to them, be loyal no matter what, accepting of their explosive
nature, never blame them for anything, and not require monogamy. To
dissolve the fixation they must be willing to be wrong; to take responsibility
for their actions; and stay with their anger without acting out and
without indulging the surrounding story.
Nine – The Nine fixation believes that they
are inferior and cannot deal with life. They find ways to disappear,
to be numb, and to avoid confrontation. In relationship they can be
comfortable to be with, agreeable, and yet not present. They tend
to indulge in numbing activities - TV, alcohol, drugs etc. If their
partner gets angry or confronts them they glaze over and go numb.
Their ideal partner would never get angry or confrontive; would not
be demanding or ask them to do anything uncomfortable or unpleasant.
This ideal is not realistic and would not release the fixation. To
find freedom they must be willing to meet life head on directly and
feel the anger that underlies the identification with being inferior.
Learning to stay present no matter what is happening dissolves the
fixation.
Conclusion
The most important step in releasing these patterns is to realize
that they have nothing to do with your true identity. If you can find
the underlying message that you took in early on, and recognize the
distortion this message caused, you can begin to challenge it internally.
We were born with the fixation and began to see the world through
its distorted lens. Each fixation comes with its own set of beliefs
and emotional and behavioral responses. Uncover these beliefs, and
watch how they affect your relationships and your life. The watching
itself creates distance, which allows for the understanding that the
patterns are not you.
Determining the primary fixation and the subtype is the first and
most important step in finding freedom from fixated behavior, freedom
from suffering. In trying to help people pin down their fixation I
noticed that the interplay between the subtype and the movement between
fixations often clarified what the fixation and subtype were. This
method of determining the primary fixation is a dynamic interactive
process where the professional helps the participant determine
his or her own fixation and subtype. Using this approach to determine
fixation and subtype eliminates the problems of the inaccuracy of
tests, depending solely on another person’s insight or opinion,
or trying to figure out your own fixation.
In working with couples in private sessions or in groups the underlying
perceptions, beliefs, and patterns of behavior are explored. The focus
is to get each person to see that the dynamics of fixated identity
are not reality based; that their responses perpetuates their own
distorted belief system, and trigger the fixated behaviors of their
partner. Each person is given assignments guiding them to release
these fixated patterns.
In general if your pattern is to withdraw then engage more. If your
pattern is to look to others, look to yourself. By doing something
new and different you are freeing the energy that has gotten trapped
in fixation. By freeing this energy, the essence that was being blocked
can begin to shine through. When the fixation relaxes the quality
of essence is revealed; as this deepens the One Loving Stillness is
discovered. This allows us to be fully human, and
yet free of suffering in life, whether in couples, any relationships,
or individually.
