The Ego is the Seed of Essence
Lissa Friedman Ph.D.

The ego is the fixated distorted perception and behavior, which creates the illusion of being separate, and is responsible for human suffering. The ego is also the seed of essence and therefore awakening. From this perspective there is not only nothing wrong with ego, it is the direct pathway to our true nature or essence.

This article begins by presenting a basic overview of the perspective of the ego being the seed of its essence. It then describes the possible steps from ego fixation to awakening. The final section provides examples of how people have used the first recognition of ego as the starting point for the inquiry that leads to essence, awakening, and liberation.

From this perspective, liberation or awakening refers to freedom from the distorted perceptions and reactions caused by fixated identity, and the recognition of the One Loving Stillness as the truth of our being.

Ego as seed of essence

In some Enneagram systems as well as some spiritual paths the ego is viewed as the enemy and something that we must kill or eliminate. In these approaches there is the view that an awakened person is free of ego, and functions only from essence with no trace of the ego structure.

Other Enneagram systems use the understanding of the ego fixation to fashion a new improved ego structure. In these systems the ego is believed to have good and bad traits, with the goal being to eliminate the bad traits and accentuate the good traits.

From the perspective presented here: the ego or fixation is seen as a poor imitation or distant cousin to essence. In its misguided distortion of truth it is reaching for its true nature. Freedom from the constraints of the ego structure begins in the first recognition of its falseness.

In order for the ego to be transmuted it must be accepted and allowed. In this total allowing and acceptance of the ego structure or fixation, the depth of the wound can be discovered and exposed. It is by going into the wound, created by the distorted perception of the fixation, that it is healed, and transcended.

The process of healing the wound does not create a healthy ego structure. Instead it peals off the scab created as protection; exposes the hole or wound; which then heals from the inside out. Once the hole has been closed, there is nothing left of the wound.

What remains are the remnants of the ego structure and essence, which was hidden from view by the wound. There is still the flavor of ego like a flimsy garment that is worn without any identification. It no longer distorts perception, and therefore the reactionary behaviors fade away.

The most external form of the ego structure (the farthest from essence) leads us back to the deepest most devastating terror, which is of being separate and left to die alone in the universe. This is the worst illusion created by the distorted perception of the ego. It is so horrendous that we hide it from ourselves.

This is our most devastating secret. The feeling of hiding/even denying some horrible perceived truth about ourselves, that if others knew about, we would never be accepted, is this secret. When this is uncovered it can heal and we can be free.

The ego or fixation is the seed of truth, the essence of our being. It is also a small cramped structure that distorts reality, yet holds within it the blueprint of its essence.

When the ego is recognized and allowed – without empowering the stories - there is a deepening and an opening. The first of the many ego stories loosens and becomes less specific and more pervasive. As this is allowed there is again a deepening and an opening. This keeps going until we reach the depth of the hole or wound of the ego structure. If we can stay with this and not cover it again with more rationalizations, denials, or compensations, we can find freedom.

As the seed opens it is transformed, begins slowly blossoming, until it has opened completely into its full flowering. The seed is gone, even the first stages of blossoming are gone, but they have not been killed or destroyed, they have been transmuted into something more; a flower in full bloom.

We can only die if we are separate from the One Loving Stillness. When we recognize our true nature as being the One Loving Stillness itself, there is no death.

Steps to awakening:
Backing out of the identification with the ego

Before beginning to describe the possible steps to freedom from ego fixation it is important to note that anyone can awaken at any time without going through this process.

The reason for writing about awakening from this perspective is it has produced encouraging results for clients, students, and several others. I hope to broaden the sample base and encourage wider use/evaluation of these concepts and techniques with appropriate feedback.

1- Recognizing the ego structure

The Enneagram is the most powerful tool I have ever come across for discovering the parameters of the ego structure. The most effective way I have found for identifying the specific pattern of fixation or ego is by using the subtypes or instinctual drives, and the movement (Friedman, April/2004).

If you choose to try to identify your ego structure on your own, find literature with in-depth descriptions of the subtypes and the movement. You can use this as a way to confirm your hunch about your fixation. The subtype remains the same when you are functioning in your home base fixation, your stressed fixation, or your relaxed fixation.

2 – Identifying the pattern of ego fixation in your life

Once the ego fixation is identified it is usually impossible to miss it as it plays out in your life. Notice: How your home base emotional pattern influences nearly everything. The themes and stories that you use to explain yourself have the flavor of the fixation. The subtype explains the types of issues that you tend to grab onto - security, your place in the group, or intimate relationships. The story of your childhood comes from the distortion of the ego, with which you were born. This childhood theme is played out over and over again in adulthood.

Patterns of Ego Fixation

3 - Let go of life story

Recognizing your life story is an important part of the process in identifying the patterns of ego. Once this identification has been made the story is no longer of any use. Understanding that we are born with the fixation through which we then view the world, can make it easier to recognize the story as not being true. Not everyone with your childhood themes would come away with your perception of what happened, or your emotional reaction. As a matter of fact often siblings disagree on what really happened.

Next, your life story must go. Themes of: how many times you were abandoned, that no one will do it if you don’t, how you must be vigilant because terrible things can happen, that you are too weak to handle reality, how you must be perfect, or that you must take care of the weak and punish the bad, etc.

If you hold onto these stories you will hold onto your ego structure and keep recreating these painful patterns in your life.

Since it is impossible to stop the mind from thinking, you cannot eliminate the thoughts that revolve around your life story. What you can do is stop paying attention to the story and put your attention in the emotions associated with the story.

4 - Go to the emotions

Every situation that you react to has a story and associated emotions. Example: You are meeting a friend for lunch and they are late. You might get angry and think about how they are always doing this to you; or you might be sad and have thoughts about how they don’t like you as much as you like them; or you might even become frightened and wonder if you offended them at some other time, etc.

If you recognize this as your pattern and stop paying attention to the story line; which is just how you are interpreting the situation, the emotion underlying the words will become more apparent. Then drop your attention out of the mind and allow it to rest in the emotion. Soon the story will fade and only the emotion will remain.

5 - Keep going deeper

Once you are at the emotional level ask yourself what is under that. You will most likely find another theme; one that is not connected to anything external. Keep doing this until you find yourself at the core of your suffering. You will recognize this core by the physical sensations that accompany the emotion and the gut knowing that this is it. Often there are no words that do this justice. Example: Your friend is late and you are sad; you follow this deeper and find feelings of abandonment, even deeper is the sense of being unlovable, and at the deepest level your whole being is not worthy of existence. Then there may be a feeling of nausea, the body may begin to shake, or there may be a sensed temperature change. Every shift is allowed without judgment, until there is nothing left.

Going deeper into the pain of the ego wound often brings up fear and feelings of not being able to do it. When we get to the deepest levels of the pain it can feel so intense, that we begin to believe we will truly die if we go any further. Someone in one of my workshops offered the metaphor of the House of Horrors in the amusement park. He said:

“You know how when you were a kid and you just had to go into the House of Horrors. You were terrified - even though everyone said you would be fine; that the scary things weren’t real. After you went through the first time and survived; discovering for yourself that the monsters weren’t real, the next times were easier. You still felt afraid and knew the monsters would scare you; but you also knew you would be fine. You even began to look forward to going inside.”

Examples from a recent retreat

The people who attended the retreat had all attended several Enneagram workshops and had worked with the Enneagram as a tool for awakening ranging from several months to 2 years.

At the beginning of the retreat the people were asked to identify their worst fears, what they desired, and what they had - to which they were attached. They were told to identify the emotions that came up in each case, and to keep asking what is underneath that.

Tara: A young woman in her 20’s with the sexual Six pattern

There were several people with the Six pattern at the retreat who all had similar revelations to Tara. She came to the retreat with her boyfriend. During the retreat she realized that she needed to break up with him. This had been coming for a while.

When Tara looked at her fears the first thing to come up was her fear of being alone. This kept her in relationships that were no longer appropriate for her. As she went into this deeper she realized that the underlying belief was that she didn’t know herself unless she was in an intimate relationship.

When she had been alone in the past she felt empty and couldn’t access her emotions. So the deeper fear was that of not knowing who she was, of being nothing.

Tara had always been attracted to men that had strong personalities and would push their opinions on her. She would lean into their sense of self and begin to merge with their personalities. While she unconsciously became what they wanted she also rebelled. By being defiant and rebellious she felt a stronger sense of self.

All this was a cover up for the terror of not knowing who she was. Tara also realized that she had always pretended to know things of which she really wasn’t sure. Admitting that she didn’t know something was too frightening for her.

When Tara first relaxed into this not knowing, the belief around the terror was that if she let down her guard she would be taken over by the other person, and she would be lost forever. As she let go of the story and just went into the fear she relaxed; emotions came up that she couldn’t label with her mind.

This was disconcerting at first because she couldn’t use her mind to feel safe. She relaxed further and found that being nothing was actually being no-thing, and that was just fine; the emptiness and not knowing felt safe.

Tara did break up with her boyfriend after the retreat. She came to a place of clarity and knew that she no longer needed to be in a relationship to know who she was. She is much happier, the fear and confusion is gone; instead there is a sense of what is right for her that is beyond thinking, and a quiet peace.

Steve: A young man in his late 20’s with the sexual Seven pattern

Steve was the boyfriend of Tara. He came to the retreat knowing that Tara was considering breaking up with him. Though he understood why he didn’t want the relationship to end, his pattern was to always be looking for more; always being afraid he was missing out. In his relationship with Tara this translated into looking for other women, thinking about past relationships, and expressing doubts about being able to be monogamous.

As Steve began to face the ending of the relationship he was able to be with all the emotions that were arising in him. Being in the retreat setting he couldn’t run away or avoid being with his emotions. The group kept bringing him back to what was going on inside. His emotions ranged from anger to sadness. There were times when he became aware of feeling like he wasn’t enough, this brought up the most fear. The deepest level of this fear revolved around feeling that he didn’t have what it takes to awaken.

As the retreat went on Steve became noticeably quieter, more somber, and sad. He found it difficult to feel so much, and to be so exposed. The quiet he was beginning to feel would bring him to a place of deep joy if he could stay with it without seeking new experiences.

Ann: A woman in her early 40’s with the sexual Four pattern

Ann began the retreat expressing that her issues around food and her weight were in the forefront at that time. She could see that she had been attached to being a vegetarian for most of her adult life, in order to have some control over her emotions, and her sexuality. She also realized that she used overeating and her weight in similar ways. Ann was no longer a vegetarian and had let go of any philosophical stance around eating prior to the retreat.

However she still overate when she felt emotional or when she wanted to avoid her emotions. The emotions under these themes were shame and sadness.

As Ann went deeper into these patterns she discovered subtler layers of attachment. She realized that at times in her life when she was in relationships where she could express her sexuality freely with someone who was equally sexual she was thin and didn’t have any trouble over eating.

At the time of the retreat her relationship was not sexual and she was overweight. This realization came with more shame and sadness. Even deeper was the discovery that she was attached to being overweight; fear accompanied the thought of letting go of her weight. She realized that her weight was providing some level of safety.

As Ann spent time alone with these issues and emotions; just sitting quietly, walking, sleeping and dreaming, she had deeper realizations. She discovered feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and being unlovable. She felt drained and exhausted. As she allowed for everything to be accepted she became confused unknowing. She repeated over and over “I don’t know, I just don’t know”.

When all this passed there was a feeling of calm and peace; and Ann expressed wondering if she had made all that up. It seemed so distant from her, and all the emotions around the issues felt unreal and empty. There was a lightness of being.

Susan: A woman in her 50’s with the sexual Two pattern

When the retreat began Susan described some major breakthroughs that had recently occurred. Susan had always resisted life, wanting things her way. She knew intellectually that in order to let go of her pattern she had to accept life as it was, but she could never fathom how that could be possible. Just before the retreat she felt something relax inside her and had suddenly become able to be more accepting. So when the focus of the retreat was presented she felt a little apprehensive, and realized that she didn’t want to bring anything up that would disturb her new freer condition.

The first issue to surface revolved around her diet and her weight. For the first time she was willing to talk about her eating patterns, what they were about, and her feelings around her weight. She admitted that she used food to comfort herself. The emotions associated with this behavior were shame and self hatred.

As Susan went deeper she saw that she believed she had to comfort herself because no one else would. Deeper still was the realization that even she couldn’t comfort herself, so she would never get her needs met. She found fear under this theme. She also recognized that she was attached to her weight and that there was fear associated with letting it go.

As she stayed with these emotions she began to feel nauseous. This didn’t let up until she discovered the depth of grief around this whole issue. Susan began to cry in deep sobs.

She felt like someone had died, but - of course - it was her false sense of self that had died. After the sobbing eased she felt warm and loving, and at peace.

Dan: A man in his early 30’s with the Self Preservation Nine pattern

When it was his turn to share what he had found in answer to the initial questions he said he only looked at his fears. He realized that his deepest fear was that this whole awakening thing didn’t exist. This meant for him that when he died there would be nothing else and that he and everyone else just died alone.

This brought up feelings of being isolated, and hopelessness. Why bother engaging this process or life if there is nothing else and we are all just alone, disconnected from each other, and there is nothing more. When he felt this he felt himself go numb and blank.

Dan took a walk, which got his energy moving, and broke through the dullness. When he came back he realized that he no longer felt hopeless, and also didn’t feel overly hopeful. He just felt more willing to accept life as it unfolded.

Larry: A man in his early 50’s has the social One pattern

Larry’s worst fear was being wrong, or making a mistake. He described his reaction to making a mistake as not being responsible. As he explored deeper he realized it felt unconscionable, bad.

As he went more deeply into bad he found the horrific feeling of being bad himself, intrinsically bad, flawed.

In exploring the feeling of being flawed he recognized his habit of always compensating for this flaw, so that no one would know. If he compensated effectively he could forget about the flaw.

In allowing himself to explore this without the cover up he found that everything was just fine just as it was. That he didn’t have to know everything, or be right about everything, for life to unfold as it should.

Fixations are seeds of essence

One – From lack of perfection to all inclusive Perfection

The One pattern tries to always be right and know the answer, to never make mistakes. They are aiming for a kind of unrealistic perfection. To undo this pattern they must allow themselves to not know and to be wrong and then follow the emotions that arise deeper.

At first they will find a discomfort and the urge to make things right. When they follow this urge for perfection deeper they find their deepest wound which is the belief that they are intrinsically flawed, which is accompanied by terror.

If they continue going deeper they discover true perfection, which includes mistakes, and not knowing. In the fullest blossoming of perfection essence sees all the same, there are no flaws.

Two – From artificial kindness to spontaneous authentic Kindness

The Two pattern pretends to be kind so that others will love them, because they do not feel lovable just as they are. Underneath their kindness they are angry and judging, and believe that their needs will never be met.

This pattern can be released by stopping the acts of kindness that are done with a price. If they stay with the discomfort that arises when the artificial kindness is stopped they will discover that even deeper than the anger: that there is no one to take care of them, is the profound terror that they don’t know how to take care of themselves.

When the terror is faced and allowed the pattern relaxes and they find a warm compassion from which emanates spontaneous kindness.

Three – From producing for love to being Love itself

The Three pattern believes it must be productive and successful to be of value; and therefore, be loved. They must keep doing and performing ceaselessly to avoid feeling emotions which they perceive as inconvenient distractions.

This pattern begins to be released when the constant activity stops. If they allow space in their day with nothing to do emotions will arise. They will discover feelings of shame, not having value, and not being lovable. Even deeper are feelings of being separate and disconnected, all alone in the universe.

When this is allowed they discover causeless Love and the awareness that just being has intrinsic value.

Four – From feeling separate from source to the joy of being source

The Four pattern is one of feeling outside, left out, abandoned, not part of What Is. Their deep sadness is about this separation. They try to belong by being special and different so that people will see them.

To undo this pattern the first step is the recognition that there is an attachment to the painful emotions. They also must be willing to be ordinary. As they follow their life story to the deepest emotions, they find feelings of not being worthy of belonging.

When this is allowed, relaxed into, they come out into a joy and lightness, and a recognition of belonging. There is only One, everyone and everything belongs.

Five – From seeking peace by isolating to finding Peace through engaging

The five pattern feels too weak and fragile to handle life and reality. They hide in their minds, isolate, and avoid life.
The willingness to engage life and shift their focus out of their minds begins the release of the ego pattern. If they follow the discomfort that arises from staying present they find a deep terror. Staying with this feels like they can’t possibly survive.
When they do survive a pervasive Peace is discovered. This Peace includes all aspects of life.

Six – From the fear of being empty to the safety of NO-Thing/Spaciousness

The Six pattern uses their mind to cover up the emptiness of which they are so terrified. The ego structure of the Six is actually being afraid that they don’t have an ego structure; that they don’t exist, that they are nothing.

To be free of this pattern they must learn to be present in their bodies, and to be with the fear as it arises. When they follow this fear back it dissolves or vanishes.

The truth that underlies the fear comes with a feeling of safety and security. Allowing the fear without resistance relaxes the boundaries of separation, which caused the fear.

The Emptiness that is discovered is not nothing it is an all encompassing spaciousness/fullness.

Seven – From seeking bliss in external experience to finding causeless Bliss in every moment as it is.

The Seven pattern avoids feeling pain by constantly seeking new experiences. There is an unconscious belief that there is not enough for them so they must grab what they want when they can. There is an anxiety that comes with the excitement of each new experience.

When they stop and sit with life just as it is, being willing to feel the natural pains that life brings, there is a stillness that is discovered.
From the stillness emerges a causeless joy or bliss.

Eight – From using physical power to hide feeling bad to finding real Power in innocence

The Eight pattern believes it is their duty to find the wrong doers that ruined life and punish them. Their anger hides their own feelings of weakness and guilt. They can begin to release this pattern by being willing to take responsibility for their mistakes, and by sitting with their anger.

At first they will realize that they are really angry at themselves - that under their anger at others is a devastating feeling of having done some horrendous evil that destroyed something precious.

When this is allowed they find their true nature, which is a fresh innocence. From this innocence emerges a strength that is the creative force of the universe.

Nine – From feeling too insignificant to live to knowing Self as Immortal Being by engaging life

The Nine pattern feels so insignificant that there is no point in bothering with life. They must be willing to take a stand in life, to act appropriately in each situation.

By allowing themselves to feel and act angry they will have access to more energy. They will also become aware of emotions that they had no idea they had. They will find a deep fear of death underlying the ego structure.

When this is faced the separate sense of ego dissolves and they realize their true nature to be immortal being.

Conclusion

Following the patterns of the ego back to the source we discover our true essence. Even though the pattern of the ego fixation is the farthest most distorted version of essence, it holds within it the seed of its true nature - or essence.

When the deepest devastation and terror that underlies the compensatory behaviors of the ego are revealed and accepted without judgment, they dissolve. They dissolve leaving our true essence and a mere shell of the ego structure.

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